call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
