My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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