Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
