I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize