I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
