you guys were way drunker than both of me
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
A bitchslap is in order.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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