I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
