I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize