I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
