1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
