i don't like sucking hair
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
