genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
