took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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