I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize