btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She made me pour olive oil on her.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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