I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize