so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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