i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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