oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize