walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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