Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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