he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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