i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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