My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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