first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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