I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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