Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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