We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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