My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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