Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
