When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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