OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
