There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize