Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
