Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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