if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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