I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
