your parents love me but you hate me
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
