we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
