I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
