i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
