There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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