Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
