Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
