Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish you could order shots online.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
