new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
