you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
