Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
