tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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