Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
