my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
