i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
