but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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