is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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