Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
