If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We're too hungover to prance.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
